This past Monday we found out that we were having our
second miscarriage at 7 weeks into the pregnancy.
The first was in February 2010, at 9 weeks pregnant, and that pregnancy was twins.
There have been many months of clomid, doctors appointments, crying at what seems like thousands of negative pregnancy tests, and obviously the heartbreak of miscarriage.
We have been struggling with this trial pretty privately only telling close family and friends.
I didn't really want to blog about it, or talk about it.
I felt that I should just keep it to myself.
Not to "air my dirty laundry".
Then the other day as I felt comforted in one of my lowest hours,
I felt the need to write about it, to blog about it, and to journal it.
Through it all...all the questioning, and the anger, the sadness and struggle I have grown closer to the Savior than I have ever been before.
Especially this past week as my worst fears were once again realized,
and after being extremely bitter for a few days,
I felt the healing power of the atonement and all the anger and bitterness melt away.
And even though I am still sad,
I feel peace.
I have also realized that I have so much to be grateful for...
I am grateful that when I received the news this past week that the pregnancy wasn't viable
that my husband and best friend flew home the next morning to be at my side,
to help me and buoy me up.
His very presence calmed me down
and he assured me that no matter what happens as long as we are together with our boys
we are more than just okay, we are extremely happy and blessed.
I am grateful for my mother who never gives up on me,
even when I am angry and bitter and I say stupid things.
I am grateful she sent me this article that helped me in the very instant that I needed help. It was just what I needed to hear, even though at the time I wanted to
push away all good advice out of sadness.
I am grateful for my Mom's experience, and I know that she might be one of the only people who really knows how I feel at this exact moment.
I am grateful for good friends who have sent notes, and said prayers.
I have received many reassuring texts this past week, which have really brightened my days. One in particular came on a very hard night as an answer to a prayer.
This text came from a good friend which simply said,
"You can do hard things".
I am grateful for that reminder.
I am grateful for my brother who called me at just the right time and made
me laugh for the first time in days.
I am grateful for my family who have supported me, fasted for me,
prayed for me, and made me laugh like only they can.
I am so, so grateful for my boys, who I love more and more every single day.
I am so thankful I am their Mom.
I am so blessed to have them in my life.
They make me realize that it could be so much harder.
So many times I look at them and think,
"Thank heavens they are here! Thank heavens they came when they did!"
and I realize that even if we never have anymore,
I still have it pretty dang good.
I am grateful for women whose courage to face and endure their trials,
have given me courage to endure mine.
Women I have studied, like Hannah, Rachel, Sariah, and Rebekah.
Also, women like Tracie Morris, and Sister Jeanne Scott, Elder Scott's late wife, who lost two of her children in the period of six weeks.
These women have had deeper pain and trials then I have had,
and their examples of strength inspire me.
But most importantly I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of a living Savior
who is real, and His healing power is very real in my life.
This past week I have read and re-read and listened to this talk from Elder Kent F. Richards from the last General Conference. His thought really touched me...
"Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality."
I too know that there is a balm in Gilead,
that the atonement does cover all pain and heartache.
He has rescued me, in every way.
He has pulled me up from the depths of deep trial, and healed my suffering.
For this I am grateful, and so, so thankful.
So it seems that little prompting was right that one day several years ago back in Malta.
I would be infertile at some point in my life.
From now on I am going to talk more about and document this journey that we are still on.
One day I have the feeling we will want to look back on all of this
stuff, junk, Hell,...
I mean blessed trials. :)
We are now going to be doing more aggressive fertility treatments.
So there will be many more doctors visits, more prayers, more craziness, more money spent on First Response Pregnancy tests, more trials, more learning and more blessings...
It will be quite the adventure I'm sure.
